Still here

Unashamed. Unabashed. As it should be.

PAIN

SILENCE

Some days, that’s all there is

You open your mouth

And people kick you

Ridicule you

Attack you

Turn their backs

Avert their faces

Like the bum on the streets

Their need

Is to ignore you

Pretend the pain isn’t there

Afraid that it might hit them to

Thinking that if they just ignore

The pain and you

It will make it go away

It will make them safe

It’s not true.

It will reach them anyway.

It’s not true.

Because you can’t hide from your own pain

While it’s stuck inside

The overwhelm is real

Yes, I, too, have turned my face

At times

When it became unbearable

Stuck in my own PAIN

When it was all too much too bear

Too triggered

Too *back there*

I know both sides

Believe me or not

I’ve been there

Done that

Suffered that

Two sides of the same coin

Though I did not do the kicking

I, too, am guilty of avoiding

Of being stuck too deeply

In my own pain

Sometimes, deep down

We’re still just the scared child

And sometimes that child needs to hide

Sometimes that is all there is

The closet to hide in

The flimsy illusion of safety

As if it would make the memories go away

As if I could hide the pain from myself

Far away, in that closet

If only I don’t look at you

But I try, man

I try

I try not to be that guy

I try to be better than that

For all of us

Because someone has to

And why the fuck not me?

What are they gonna do to me?

The same shit they already did?

I’ve endured it before

I’m stronger than that

Let them laugh at me

For being weak

They don’t know what weak is

They don’t know that they are far weaker

Than I will ever be

The truth is

I am far stronger than they are

Far stronger than they think

I’ve lived through this shit

For decades

For decades

They tried to break me

Wherever I turned

No help

No one even listening

And maybe I broke

But I picked up the pieces again

And here I stand

I still

Fucking

STAND

And they won’t take my voice again

They will silence me no longer

Let it be known then:

I was abused, and not just once

And there is no shame in that

I was assaulted

And there is no blame in it, but for the perps

I was raped

And there is no shame and no blame in that

But onto who did it

They broke my mind

They broke my soul

They broke my heart

I’ve lived through it all

And here I am

Fuck them

I refuse to die

They don’t get that

I refuse to lie

They don’t get that

I refuse to back down

They don’t get that

Until one day they will

But much more importantly:

If you read this

And even an ounce of it applies to you

Know that someone knows

That you are not alone

That it was not okay

That you should never have had to bear it

That it was wrong

That YOU were NOT wrong

That your feelings were not and are not wrong

They are NORMAL

What they did to you?

THAT is what is wrong

What is abnormal

Not you

Or your feelings

Or what came after

Never you

I stand here as a testament

The monument

For those who cannot speak

Those too deep in hurt

Those too afraid

Those who can’t bear the kicking

The looks

The turned backs

I can

So I speak

For anyone who needs to hear it

Your pain

Your confusion

The flashbacks

Your loss

The splintering

The always like NOW

Your grief

The hypervigilance

Your senses attuned to every shadow

Even at your back

Your anger

The inability to shut down

The stress accumulating in your body

And exploding elsewhere

The homicidal pictures in your mind

ALL OF IT

Is NORMAL

And you are NOT ALONE

We are here

We suffered the same

Even if in slightly different ways

It’s the same shit

The same mechanisms

The same silence

The same shame and blame

Put where it doesn’t belong

Instead of where it does

Wipe out their names

Until only we exist

We who remain

Despite them

They don’t get to win

They don’t get to erase us

They don’t get that

Maybe they never will

Who the fuck cares

We remain

We know

YOU ARE OKAY

THEY are not.

You are not the confused one.

You are not the broken one.

You are not the wrong one.

They are.

And it is not okay

But it is what it is

And we are

Still. Here.

And every day

I try anew

Be better

Learn to be present

Listen without losing myself

Maintaining the boundary

Between the pain and me

Without losing sight of you

Because you and me

We are the same

Same pain

Same shit

Wade through

Or don’t

No matter if you make it through

If you stumble

Or fall

Or drown

You’re not alone

Even when it feels like it

Cause we’re the same fucking mirror

And I’ll hold the pieces up

For you, too

As often and as long as I can

Not for them

Never them

I know they’ll just laugh

Seeing their distorted vision

This is not about that

This is not about them

Wipe em

This is about YOU

This is for YOU

Not them

So you know

You are not alone

You never were

For whatever that means

For whatever little it helps

You are NOT alone

None of us are

In truth, we are thousands

We are millions

We are like stars

Thinking ourselves lost in a void

While we are so many

Silence kills us

Just as much as speaking does

So why not speak?

No: You don’t need to speak

I’ll hold your silence, too

Here, have my voice

Cause I’m still fucking here

And I stand again

And again

They can put me down again

And again

And again

Let them

I’ll just keep coming up

And even once I no longer do

Because every life

Has an ending

Of one kind or another

(Though it will NEVER be by my own hand – because they don’t get that)

Someone else will

There’s always someone

Let us be

The one

As much as we can

Because it’s the right thing

If we can

As long as we can

And there will not be silence any more

Let them break me again

I’ll just pick up the pieces once more

Stand behind me, if you can’t take the front

It’s ok

You don’t have to

Let me speak, if you can’t

But if you want to

Somewhere

Anywhere

Anonymous

I’m here

Let me be the mirror

Let me carry, just for a while

We are billion

We are one

Let them come

What of it?

Their pain couldn’t kill me before

Their slicing words can’t hurt me anymore

I’m past that

I see now: They’re hollow

It’s just smoke and mirrors

Meant to confuse you

To numb you

Silence you

Numbness and silence

Are what prevent connection

Prevent belonging

This is how the divide happens

People unable to bear emotions

Unable to express them

Safely

Who’ve never learnt

To (co-)regulate

Or been trained out of it

But we can learn it back

Even their worst

So what?

Pain just means

I’m still alive

Fuck them

And their fear

I know that fear

I know their jeering faces

I know their mechanisms

I know their manipulation

I know their words

I know their perversion of “justice”

So what?

They don’t get to win

They don’t get to silence me any more

Let em try

Let em come

Let em spend themselves

On an ocean

That knows better

Drown their shit

They don’t get silence from me

Unashamed

Unabashed

The only shame and blame?

Is on them

As it always should have been

Let them feel the void

Swallowing their hatred

Their illusionary superiority

Their self-revealing mockery

This broken mirror sees their lies

But it will reflect back only truth

Pain?

Do you know what happens, with chronic pain?

Adaptation

The system adapts, can now bear far worse

They will never know

Just how strong I have grown

Not as their achievement

Not from their handiwork

But by the strength inherent in myself

They tried to break

What just grew back thicker

So what if I’m gnarled?

I’m not ashamed of that

And no one should be

It’s just truth

It’s normal

Nothing special

Nothing exceptional

That’s the beauty

Of the Ordinary

Humanity

Shared in

The We

And I

Here

Still here