It needs a village

Why we need a whole circle of people with capacity and tools to hold and regulate the harm done to a victim to help them become a survivor.

One of the harsher truths in healing trauma is this:
Not everyone will have the capacity to hold this.

Not everyone will have the tools to deal with this.

In this day and time, many will even be so damaged themselves yet that they either turn away, unable to bear it, or worse, start attacking you as a(n often even unconscious) self-defense mechanism. The same thing that makes children self-blame in untenable situations, for the ILLUSION of control. Because when you don’t have tools or capacity to change anything about it or even regulate through it, blame, as the ILLUSION that there is something you COULD (have) change(d), is the only thing left to console yourself with. It is a coping mechanism gone wrong and turned hurtful. A protective subconscious move by an overwhelmed brain trying to deal with an untenable situation it is forced to live in – or thinks/feels that were still the case.

And I, as the survivor, even with all my own right to not get violated that way, have to learn, that the same is true for others who are not responsible for my pain, who did nothing to hurt me: That I CANNOT put my pain on someone unwilling and unable to bear it. That that is aggression and violation as well, where *I* would be the perpetrator on them. While at the same time it is absolutely UNFAIR that I should hold this alone. While I am INNOCENT and suffering from what was done to me. While *I* can NOT turn my back on it and say “No”. I STILL have to respect THEIR “No”. I cannot just pass the hurt alone. They are in their RIGHT to say “no” to that, if they cannot bear it, don’t have the tools to do so, don’t have the capacity or regulation to do so.

I can ask them. But it is not fair of me either to FORCE them to do so. It is a violence to do so, a lesser violence but along the same line of what was done to me.

The truth is this: There ARE people out there who can bear it. Who can hold it. Who will NOT turn away. Who can regulate through it, at least in increments, one at a time, and help you do the same.

But I cannot expect normal people to have the equipment and thus sheer *endurance* of a therapist who has learned how to regulate themselves to hold this.

People these days are almost ALL damaged from a very young age. Numbed down. Told to stuff their emotions away instead of taught how to regulate and co-regulate. Taught AWAY from truth and connection. They no longer KNOW HOW to belong, how to create that connection, how to HOLD someone else’s feelings without being OVERWHELMED by them, without being SWALLOWED by their pain – and two people swallowed? That helps no one. You HAVE to have the capacity to hold it or you are not helping.

We cannot FORCE capacity on someone. They have to heal THEMSELVES first to gain that back. Learn it back. They CANNOT help before this happens.

So we have to find the ones who CAN. Not just the ones who understand, but are still overwhelmed and drowning, so we’d just drown together. The ones who can HOLD, the ones who are far enough along in their own journey to be ABLE to help, to not be affected so much they’ll unconsciously turn to self-defense instead of help or at least turn away to not just drown with us. Because drowning themselves doesn’t help us.

No, it is not fair.

But these two truths are true at the same time: It is not fair for us AND it is not fair to them.

The silver lining is this:
Sooner or later, if you don’t stop reaching out, you WILL find someone who CAN help. Even if you scare away every single one who can NOT before that point – what you lose are the ones who CANNOT help you, the ones who aren’t GOOD for you. What you gain in the end, are the ones who ARE.

And yes, getting there is harsh. Getting there is drowning in pain for what might be YEARS. Decades. By pure CHANCE.

Because where this is done to us is often a VERY damaged environment, where NO ONE is un-damaged enough to help. Where most aren’t even undamaged enough to stay in increments, in what parts they can, trying again and again, for how much and little they can. Because this shit is fucking systematic.

It is a whole SYSTEM breaking kids at an early age and never teaching them how to do right, how to recognize damage and step in before it happens, how to defend against it, how to heal from it where defense is not possible, how to put blame and shame where it truly belongs and not where it does not, how to keep boundaries and thus keep yourself from drowning, how to be present without being engulfed and enmeshed. Because this shitty SYSTEM does the opposite: It tries to numb us all. Tries to tell us emotions are wrong. Tries to tell us WE are wrong. Tries to tell us what we can feel as TRUE inside is wrong. Tries to break our boundaries and break us. Because that is what CONTROL needs. Because it makes us “easier to manage”. Easier to control. Comply or suffer. That is the lesson it teaches. Instead of community and belonging and how a village that stands together and knows how to hold each other in pain, to be PRESENT through it without drowning, is stronger than any individual being can ever be and can overcome sheer unbelievable hardship, TOGETHER.

And that leaves us survivors to fend for ourselves, to struggle along and fight for air and to get out of the quicksand in any way we can, until we finally find someone who is healed enough to help. While we also bear the brunt of the attacks – not just from the oppressors. But also, most hurtfully, from those who should be our allies. From those who should help. Because they are so damaged that their damaged-child self-blame turns outwards, against us. Their FEAR vying for control of an untenable situation whispering “there must be something that the victim could have done to prevent this” – BECAUSE they imagine themselves in that situation and cannot bear it. So they try to shut their eyes against it like a child shutting its eyes and pretending it cannot be seen if only it cannot see what is threatening it. This is not how reality works, of course. This is what sets ALL of them up to be the next victims who end up in self-blame before they come into the light of finally understanding there was NEVER any blame on them. That all the shame was ALWAYS on the one(s) who did it, NEVER the one it was done to. That there was NO CHANCE, with their lack of knowledge, their lack of tools, to see this coming and avoid it. That the ONLY thing that actually can help is listening to the wiser ones, the survivors healed enough, far along enough in healing, who have finally learned to SEE the mechanisms, recognize them in action – but even they might still be fooled. Because gaslighting and manipulation are confusing as HELL and the sheer CHAOS of it is intentional, it is meant to OVERWHELM your senses and MEANT to put you into shock. And someone in shock and survival mode CANNOT THINK clearly and thus has a far lesser chance of acting “correctly” or even acting AT ALL.

EVERYONE can end up a victim. EVERYONE.

This is a truth many are not ready to face yet. BECAUSE it is so very heinous.

That is not the fault of the victims. It is the insidiousness of the violence we all suffer from. Of a system that trains us OUT of our inherent truths and INTO ignorance with one intention: to RULE us. If that means breaking us? That is what is done. And children learn to internalize and emulate this before they ever understand it. That is the most insidious damage.

And yes, it is highly unfair, but this is the double burden of the survivor: Recognizing where we would perpetuate the violence by hurting someone INNOCENT, someone lacking in tools and CAPACITY, not empathy or compassion – and choose NOT to, if and when we can. Even as it cuts us again because WE can NOT lay down that burden, can NOT run away from the pain inside.

But what we CAN do is this: Recognize the break in THEM. Recognize WHY they cannot hold our pain. Recognize their FEAR. Their lack of capacity. How SMALL they are inside. That we are asking damaged CHILDREN to hold something that no one should ever hold. Not us, not them. That spreading it around would not help.

That we NEED someone who CAN hold it. Who knows HOW to do that.

That at best we need MANY to hold it, hold it in TURNS, so that no one is over-loaded, overwhelmed, and so overcome by it they just drown with us. Cause their drowning won’t help us. Their HELP as far as they can give it, as far as they have CAPACITY for, that is what is RIGHT to ask for. Even demand. But not beyond their boundaries, not beyond their capacity. Violation is NOT the way. It just perpetuates harm.

As painful as it is to recognize that and have to hold that, too.

This is what it MEANS to break the cycle.

To stand and say “no”. To all of that.

To refuse to give up despite it all.

To not let the perps win.

Keep searching for the ones who CAN hold it, who have the TOOLS, the CAPACITY, and find MORE of them. They ARE there.

I myself was in it for almost a decade - or even four, depending on how you count; from first hurt or the last that broke me, for a time -before I found my circle.

But I DID find them.

I lost everyone else along the way. This is, sadly, NORMAL in our times and societies. Because so very many people don’t know how to hold this and are too damaged themselves, too stuck yet in their own trauma, too triggered, unABLE to hold this.

Some I lost willingly. Many I did not.

BUT: I did find new people along the way. Better people. More fitting people. Healthier people, in heart and mind. People that were much, much better for me to have around me than the damaged ones that kept me stuck.

If there is one advice I would wish you to remember it is this:

We are ALL just imperfect humans, some with better tools and more capacity than others – but not a single one’s capacity is endless. Nothing on earth is endless.

So give them grace and remember: That is why we SHARE.

Any single person can only give you so much. They bear their own burdens, their own hurt, their own damage. They cannot hold it all.

That is why we need COMMUNITY, a whole circle full, not just a single person, not just a few. Harm like this was NEVER meant to be held by just a single person nor just two. It needs a village.

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CAVEAT:

There is something you likely won’t be able to recognize and that is NOT on you when it happens, where you did NOTHING wrong, something that is entirely the other person’s unhealed problem: When someone does not make their boundary clear. When someone does not know or does not respect their own capacity, probably driven by yet internalized guilt, that voice that says “push through”. That, too, is a part of healing – THEIR healing. If these people invest more in you than they can bear, because they feel they have to, that is NOT on you. But. The cruel But: You may still be the one who will end up sharing the consequences with them: Their quiet quitting. The way they praise you, but then leave you, because at some point they find they cannot bear to stay. Or worse: Possible accusations without former communication of their lines in the sand, coming from their own resentment at being “pushed” – that is, a PROJECTION onto you. Because it is their own INNARDS that are pushing them and NOT you. Their resentment should be aimed at that mechanism inside – but sometimes it can end up misplaced onto the outside. This is, sadly, not uncommon. Many people in this world have been actively taught to IGNORE their capacity and boundaries in early childhood. You likely even suffer the same. It is a PERSONAL responsibility, though, to heal this.

Because: HEALING, at its core, CANNOT BE DONE BY ANOTHER PERSON.

SOME STEPS YOU HAVE TO WALK YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT. They can offer a hand. They can walk by your side. But they CANNOT walk for you.

AND THIS IS TRUE FOR THEM AS MUCH AS YOU.

Other people can witness. Other people can share in holding the pain. Other people can share in soothing.

But we all need to rotate it around when it becomes necessary because everyone has a capacity limit and pushing past this is not only not advised, it would be devastatingly destructive for all involved. No one is helped if one more person ends in breakdown and/or burnout.

That is *exactly* why everyone needs as much “glimmers” as possible – good things to offset the bad. Breathing space between the deep dives. Time to regulate. People to co-regulate. Only as many drains as are viable and no more, sometimes less drains in a phase where energy is low because energy needs replenishing or the well runs dry.

There is and should be no blame here, for no one. No one can control their capacity. You can only acknowledge it and work with what you’ve got. Period. That is not an attack on anyone – unless you make it one by blaming the other person for something you yourself did not notice, which isn’t fair at all, if sadly a common mechanism because unconscious overdrive, not knowing your limits creates (un)conscious resentment and if you keep gathering that it might explode one way, in either direction.

So, TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO HELP:

TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOUR CAPACITY – AND COMMUNICATE IT WHEN YOU FIND IT. HONESTLY.

A lot more damage is done by trying to take on more than you can than by staying true and admitting what you can NOT do, up ahead.

If a well runs dry, no matter what you did or did not do, that is INFORMATION, first and foremost. It means you either have too many drains or too little replenishing incoming yourself. And that means you are in no state to help someone else.

It also means you should take a good long look at your own capacity and respect that limit.

COMMUNICATE your boundaries and your limits.

That is ON YOU. And ONLY you.

This is true for every single person on big Mamma Earth.

People are NOT “pushy” when you are not even communicating your limits.

That is YOU not knowing your limits.

And you should or you are also being destructive.

Either to yourself or someone else. Same shit. That is where the saying comes from that you “need to care for yourself first before you can care for someone else” – and it is TRUE. 100% true. And I am saying this to you as a survivor who was in the position of drowning and being unable to escape that and NOT getting help because my environment back then couldn’t give it.

I have been on both sides. I know them intimately. So let me be a bridge, if you can hear what I’m saying, truly hear it. Face that. You’ll need it.

ALL of us need to heal ourselves. And we all need help. This is true for anyone at some point in their lives. It is why we are a social species. We are not meant to be alone through this.

But no one said it was easy. It isn’t. I won’t lie to you – it’s not.

These systems we live in are actively teaching us to numb, to push through, to ignore pain, to ignore emotions, to ignore “the weak” instead of what they SHOULD do:

Teach us how to regulate, teach us how to co-regulate, teach us to RESPECT our own boundaries and limits as well as everyone else’s, teach us to witness, to remain present without drowning, to soothe without overwhelming or being overwhelmed or drained, teach us when to hand over the torch, form a line, form a circle. But that would not teach us to adapt and conform, to bend or break, to keep the people in power in power. It would teach us to question and say “no” if something doesn’t sit right.

COMMUNITY is the answer. Not people struggling alone.

But, ironically, for community to work, we need to be able to CONNECT first. And to be able to connect, to belong, we first need to heal *ourselves*, the breaches in our own minds, if possible with the help of the ones who came before us, who are further along in their healing – far enough that they can hold it, witness, be present, without just drowning themselves and eventually leaving us in the dirt because they have to. Without that, we will drown or eventually lash out. And that helps no one.

Because someone has to go and fetch the water in a desert or everyone will dry out.

And if one of those can’t walk, and carrying them gets too much so that you wouldn’t reach the water anymore, you have to leave them somewhere -hopefully in the care of someone else for the time being- until you can return with the water, if you can follow that metaphor. Or let me try differently: Someone deep in trauma is bleeding out on the floor. They don’t deserve that. Of course they don’t. No one does. But if you’re gonna help them close those wounds, it means feeding them back blood. And that blood needs to come from somewhere. And if it comes from you, you’re gonna have to do things to replenish it were they’re running out faster than they can replenish on their own. You can’t just join them in running out faster than you can replenish either. You can just give them the surplus, the amount that won’t ultimately just kill you, too. You can only give as much as you can replenish again or you won’t be able to keep on being a donor. Get me?

So respect your fucking capacity and for fuck’s sake don’t blame the victims for your lack of knowledge about your own capacity – find it and COMMUNICATE it.

And no, I will not say sorry for the expletives. Some times expletives are more than appropriate. This is a fucked up situation for all involved. And the ones suffering most are still the ones that cannot run away.

And as a helper you WILL have to live with the guilt of not being able to give more than you CAN give without damaging yourself.

You will have to find ways to step past that. See beyond the very concept of “guilt”. How fucking unhelpful it is. That you are NOT guilty. And neither are they.

The guilty ones are the ones who created this mess, who did that shit. And they are the only ones who are.

And sometimes, they are also victims, yes. Pretty little shit cycle. But that doesn’t absolve you of what part YOU took. Of the choices you made. Even if the choice was “them or me”. That’s still a choice. It’s a fucked-up choice, but a choice. You can be the cycle-breaker and go through that hell, or you can stay and duck your head and perpetuate the mess. Either way: You gotta live with that.

So. Get past the fucking guilt-trip, dear helpers. Get past the fucking “push through” in your own heads. Get past the shit that tells you there are no limits to compassion because your BODY and mind HAVE fucking limits. We ALL do.

Or you are not helping. That is why you need (self)regulation like all hells. And a wider net, to catch YOU, too; to spread the weight around.

Victims are living INSIDE OF hell. And by going there you WILL go into fire.

We gotta respect that from both sides. Even if, of course, from the victim’s side, when they’re not yet survivor and still victim? That will often feel like being asked to respect that someone burned themselves willingly on a candle while you are burning inside a bonfire you were BOUND to. No, it is NOT fair. None of this is fair.

We were CHILDREN for fuck’s sake.

So fucking many of us are STILL damaged children inside.

Of course it isn’t *fair*.

It is still the only way through there is, in this damaged world. Together.

In whatever small ways we can.

Holding hands when we can, however we can. Being there, when and however we can, WITHOUT drowning. Hoping against all hope that we will find enough of us that eventually there will ALWAYS be someone there.

Holding each other through it, in taking turns, and making it through until we all come out the other side instead of just drowning together.